Once again I came upon some scribbling of mine way back then and I can’t help but share it here as well.. before I lose the actual copy, so here it goes…
I have decided to forget that which has haunted me from the past. A decision, long overdue but has recently resurfaced in the hopes of killing the pain that goes with this resolution. I have held on long enough to know that I was not doing myself any good neither was I doing that other person any better. To have even lingered on the thought is a great achievement for me, one that I should be proud of, if only to shadow that sadness that I feel within. I have to remember that nothing lasts in this world. That all things no matter how nice and wonderful they are, eventually finds its way to have an end in our lives. In due course I may understand the implications of certain people who have come and passed in my time. But until then I may have to content myself in the illusions of day to day living amongst the world of faceless people. Yearning for liberation from this capsule of a life I currently exist in.
Yes, it is true that I am sad. I am sad because that lifelong hope, the hope that I have carried in my heart for far too long is about to be shattered to rectify that which should be rectified years and years ago. I was caught between a myriad of indecisions, countless back and forth and numerous attempt at absolution. The conclusion that before comes within a million miles away has now reached its destination in my heart. I should let go. I cannot hold on to something that I know I will never have the guts to stand up for. I cannot continue to fathom all the lies I had to conjure in my head to make things, as they should be. I cannot go on living as if everything will fall into place and go according to what I have invoked in my head. My heart has gone from limp to lifeless and I had to do something about it. I may not have the strength then and I know not whether I have it now. I have to try and give it my best. To save myself, to save my heart, to save the fragments of my being that has been left scarred and marred by all the negativities in the world. Again, I may be poignant but then again what is happiness any way?
The time has come for me to realize that I cannot forever live in the shadow of my insecurities. That whatever happened then should never be left blamed entirely on me. To believe that everything had its purpose and the reason it all ended is that its purpose has gone full circle. I was just a mere catalyst to a calamitous episode that would eventually yield to my current demise. I am but a random piece of puzzle positioned in the hopes of strengthening me or preparing me for the impending challenges in my life. What that is I know not. And whether these events in my life have served its purpose, I know not as well. All I could discern is that I have been placed in all these circumstances to test my moral fiber and my emotional strength.
To retrace my steps; I have always been a dreamer, a hopeless romantic – an idealist. I lived in a world purely my own and I have lived in it for several reasons which only my little mind could counter. Since I was a little girl I have always had this notion that someone would come my way, sweep me off my feet one day and be with me for as long as nature would allow us. I knew then the concept of love and the ideals that came with it. I knew then in my young mind that there was such a crazy thing called love. Though I may not have had the slightest inkling that with that passion came an immense deal of anguish, it had all come as a tiny package all wrapped up ever so nicely to entice young minds like mine. The standards that came with this sentiment blinded the reality of the condition I was in. As a child I have always had my head stuck in the clouds. I was relentlessly daydreaming of endless rainbows and fairytale endings. Despite my young mind, I have had this strange notion that something special was in store for me. I have always believed that I was slightly if not totally different from the other girls my age. Maybe because I always let my imaginations get the best of me. Maybe because I refuse to live my life in the reality that it should be. Or maybe because I was just stupid enough to believe that fairy tales came true, the Santa exists and there are such things as “happily ever after”. I may be cynical now but I was never like this then, the multitude of imaginations I could conjure up in a day is priceless. But then again, I had to grow up and with that came the prize I had to pay now. Sometimes I would think if I had been in some ways pragmatic back then, maybe I could have save me the trouble. I let myself get carried away every time I feel my heart skip a beat, as if that is even possible (literally speaking of course!) never knowing the repercussions of this emotion back then..
To be continued..