Posted in And there was light..

An old post..

I went through some of my old stuff just now and came across a lot of things I’ve doodled.. stories I’ve written.. journals from long long ago.. and a few tinkering from my brain..

I came across this piece which I don’t even remember when I typed it.. but clearly I was going through some emotional and heart wrenching phases in my life.. and writing was my only outlet then.. way before facebook and friendster..  and all these social networking sites, I only had my pen and paper(when I was low-tech) or computer (from the time I was hi-tech) as my only source of space where I can honestly air our my feelings and views in love and life..

Just wanted to share this piece before I actually lose the paper itself and  before 2011 actually ends (tho, I’m pretty sure I made these way before then)


Once again I got my heart broken.. It’s always the same thing and maybe this time even worse.. my worse karma..

Today I’ll celebrate my loneliness.. Today, I got to feel the hurtest of hurts.. the bitterness of reality.. the pain that defines my suffering..

Today I learned a lot of truths.. One, that love was never in his heart for me.. Two, that I was living a dreadful lie.. Third, that I was always ALONE.. I’m stuck with the reality that I need to face but I’m finding very hard to do..

I could never say that I didn’t do my best, I have given so much more into this so-called “Relationship” only to find out in the end that the person wasn’t the least bit deserving of everything I have given..

He will never change.. whatever he was before, that’s the way he will always be till maybe forever.. and the saddest part was that I had a growing hope inside me that somehow I could make a difference in his life.. of which I am terribly mistaken..

The irony about the whole thing is that despite the pains that I have gone through with him, I still feel that I love him.. so sad.. but true.. Pity, but whatever can I do.. I am totally caught between “i love you” and “goodbye”.

But then again a total waste of my time.. where I could have started a new life, I ruined it in the hopes of a man to love me in the same way I do to him.. his selfish and cruel ways should have define a line for me then but I waited and nobody not even myself could answer the big question WHY..

There is nothing in the relationship for me but unhappiness and loneliness.. more disappointments, more bitterness.. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.. He loves only himself.. I was dumb enough to realize that yet here I am still the martyr waiting for the impossible to happen.. when will I ever learn..

**As of this writing, I am pleased to say that I have completely moved on from this former stage in my life.. I indeed went through a lot of emotional turmoil in the past.. a lot of wrong moves and decisions, some of which sad to say I am not very proud of.. but nevertheless, I have gone past all of these.. and pretty much happy from my point of view.. 🙂